Leaders are adults, not parents
Have you ever noticed how certain dynamics in relationships - at work or at home - seem to repeat themselves? You might feel like you’re always the one taking on too much responsibility, or perhaps you’re frustrated by someone who never seems to meet expectations. Understanding Transactional Analysis (TA) can shed light on why these patterns occur and, more importantly, how to change them.
Developed by Dr. Eric Berne in the 1950s, TA is a framework for understanding how we communicate and interact. At its core is the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model, which identifies the “voices” or ego states we use in interactions: the Parent, the Adult, and the Child. Each state has distinct characteristics, and by recognising them, we can shift from reactive to intentional communication.
For me, learning TA was transformative. It helped me understand that much of our behaviour in relationships is influenced by roles we unconsciously adopt, often shaped by childhood experiences. Once I realised these patterns, I could make conscious choices to improve my interactions and lead more effectively.
Here’s why TA matters, and how these roles show up in real life.
The Parent-Adult-Child Model in Practice
The PAC model breaks down the states we move between in our interactions:
1. The Parent State
This state reflects the rules, values, and attitudes we absorbed growing up. It’s the “voice” of authority within us, with three key roles:
Critical Parent: The enforcer of rules and discipline. Helpful for setting standards but can easily become overbearing and controlling.
Nurturing Parent: Supportive and caring, but if overused, can lead to smothering behaviours that prevent others from growing or expressing a voice.
Structuring Parent: Practical and organised, offering clear expectations and guidance, but can undermine the people we interact with.
Example in Practice:
Imagine you’re leading a team and a deadline is approaching.
As the Critical Parent, you might say, “This report isn’t good enough. I don’t know how you thought this would pass.” While this might address the issue, it risks demoralising the team.
As the Nurturing Parent, you might say, “I see you’re struggling with this. Let me take over and fix it for you.” This feels supportive but denies them the opportunity to learn.
As the Structuring Parent, you might say, “We need to create a process for this and put everything in order”. This approach provides guidance while empowering them to improve but can sometimes remove creativity and freedom of movement.
2. The Adult State
The Adult state is the voice of reason and objectivity. It’s focused on facts, problem-solving, and staying grounded in the present. This state helps us respond rather than react, bringing clarity and balance to interactions.
Example in Practice:
A colleague disagrees with you in a meeting.
If you respond as a Critical Parent, you might say, “You’re wrong, and I don’t have time to explain why.” This dismisses their perspective and shuts down collaboration.
From the Adult state, you could say, “That’s an interesting perspective. Let’s explore the pros and cons of your approach versus mine.” This response fosters dialogue and shows respect for their input.
3. The Child State
The Child state reflects our emotional core, shaped by early experiences. It can be:
Adaptive Child: Focused on pleasing others or following rules, sometimes at the expense of authenticity.
Free Child: Spontaneous and creative but can become impulsive or disruptive if unchecked.
Example in Practice:
You’re asked to take on a project you don’t have time for.
As the Adaptive Child, you might say, “Sure, I’ll do it,” even though you’re already overwhelmed. This response avoids conflict but leads to stress and burnout.
From the Free Child, you might joke, “Great, another project! Can’t wait to work weekends!” While this lightens the mood, it avoids addressing the real issue.
From the Adult state, you might say, “I appreciate the opportunity, but my current workload is full. Can we prioritise or delegate some tasks?” This response sets a boundary while maintaining professionalism.
The Drama Triangle
In addition to the PAC model, Dr. Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle explains why some relationships feel stuck or unproductive and when understood, can unlock some of the challenges you face in day-to-day interactions with others. The triangle has three roles:
Victim: “Why is this happening to me?”
Persecutor: “This is all your fault!”
Rescuer: “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it for you.”
These roles often show up in leadership and team dynamics. We can escalate around the different roles depending on the dynamics of the situation.
Example in Practice:
A project falls behind schedule.
Victim: The project manager says, “There’s nothing I can do; the team isn’t delivering.” This lowers morale and creates a sense of helplessness.
Persecutor: The leader says, “This failure is on you. You should’ve managed the team better.” This creates fear and defensiveness.
Rescuer: A teammate steps in and says, “I’ll do everything myself to save this project. While well-intentioned, this fosters dependency and resentment.
To move out of the Drama Triangle, it is important to adopt the Adult stance:
“What actions can we take to get back on track? Let’s identify what’s in our control and create a plan together.” This empowers everyone to own actions and stays solution focused.
Why This Matters for Leaders—and Adults
As leaders, understanding TA and the PAC model helps us become more intentional about how we communicate. Instead of reacting emotionally or falling into default roles, we can choose responses that foster trust, collaboration, and accountability.
For example:
Instead of micromanaging as a Rescuer, empower your team to solve their own challenges.
Instead of blaming as a Persecutor, focus on constructive feedback and shared solutions.
Instead of feeling powerless as a Victim, take ownership of what’s within your control and inspire others to do the same.
Beyond leadership, these principles are invaluable in our personal lives. They help us navigate conflicts, build healthier relationships, and show up as our best selves.
When a leader is behaving as an Adult in their team, they exhibit emotional maturity, clear communication, and a balanced approach to decision-making. Here are the key signs that a leader is operating from the Adult state:
1.They Respond Rationally, Not React Emotionally
Leaders in the Adult state remain calm under pressure and avoid knee-jerk reactions.
They take time to process information before making decisions, focusing on facts rather than emotions or assumptions.
Example: Instead of snapping at a team member for missing a deadline, they ask, “What caused the delay, and how can we address it?”
2. They Encourage Collaboration and Accountability
Adult leaders foster a culture of shared responsibility rather than assigning blame or taking over tasks themselves.
They empower team members to own their work, offering support and guidance when needed.
Example: Rather than saying, “I’ll fix this,” they ask, “How can I help you overcome this challenge?”
3. They Communicate Clearly and Objectively
They express themselves with clarity and transparency, avoiding unnecessary criticism or overemotional language.
Their communication is balanced, ensuring that both feedback and praise are constructive and specific.
Example: Instead of saying, “This isn’t good enough,” they provide actionable feedback: “Here’s where the work could be improved and how.”
4. They Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Leaders in the Adult state set and respect boundaries, managing their time and energy effectively while encouraging the same for their team.
They avoid overextending themselves or others, ensuring work-life balance and preventing burnout.
Example: They say, “I’m unavailable for calls after 6 PM,” modelling healthy limits for the team.
5. They Focus on Solutions, Not Problems
Adult leaders are solution-oriented, addressing challenges proactively rather than dwelling on what went wrong.
They encourage the team to think critically and contribute ideas for overcoming obstacles.
Example: Instead of saying, “This project is failing,” they ask, “What steps can we take to get back on track?”
6. They Show Empathy Without Overindulging
While they care about their team’s well-being, they avoid overprotecting or “rescuing” individuals in a way that hinders growth.
They listen actively and validate emotions while maintaining a focus on personal and team accountability.
Example: “I understand this situation is frustrating. Let’s figure out a way forward together.”
7. They Stay Flexible and Open to Feedback
Leaders in the Adult state are adaptable and willing to consider other perspectives, showing humility and openness to growth.
They accept constructive feedback gracefully and use it as an opportunity to improve.
Example: “I see your point—thank you for sharing. Let me rethink this approach.”
8. They Build Trust Through Consistency
Their actions align with their words, and they are dependable in their decisions and leadership style.
They avoid favouritism or unpredictability, fostering a sense of safety and fairness in the team.
Example: They consistently recognize team contributions, ensuring everyone feels valued.
9. They Keep the Bigger Picture in Focus
Adult leaders make decisions based on long-term goals and overall team success, avoiding short-term fixes or emotional biases.
They help the team stay aligned with the organisation’s vision and purpose.
Example: “This might be a challenging adjustment, but it’s necessary to achieve our larger objectives.”
10. They Encourage Growth and Development
They create opportunities for team members to learn and stretch themselves, supporting them without micromanaging.
They balance challenge with encouragement, helping their team develop confidence and independence.
Example: “I believe you’re ready to take on this new responsibility. Let me know how I can support you.”
Final Thoughts
A leader operating from the Adult state is calm, rational, and empowering. They focus on creating a supportive and accountable environment where team members feel trusted, valued, and motivated to contribute their best. This balanced approach not only improves team dynamics but also drives sustained success and well-being for all.
Transactional Analysis changes you can approach relationships—professionally and personally. It’s a reminder that we are not defined by our past or our default patterns. We can choose how we interact, lead, and grow.
By understanding the Parent-Adult-Child model and the Drama Triangle, we gain tools to break unhelpful cycles, build meaningful connections, and create environments where everyone can thrive.
So next time you’re in a tricky interaction, pause and ask yourself:
Which state am I operating from?
What’s the healthiest, most constructive response I can choose?
These small shifts in awareness can make all the difference. And remember, if someone else is operating from within The Drama Triangle, it doesn’t mean you have.